JoannasJokes
for October 17
__________________________________________________
One Liners ...
Happy Birthday to Jim, my brother!!!Before you give somebody a piece of your mind,
make sure you can get by with what you have left.
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch
with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever
soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise
myself ... unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
__________________________________________________Quotes for Today
"I have discovered that those who constantly
complain, will in their very circumstances
constantly remain."
--Brian G. Jett
"Don't just kick a bad habit; beat the thing to death;
unless it's a poor relationship."
--Brian G. Jett
"It is easy to find character in a crisis.
It is the remaining 90 percent of our time
we struggle to find it."
--Brian G. Jett
What nature delivers to us is never stale.
Because what nature creates has eternity in it.
--Isaac B"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
-- Walt Disney"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient on living,
it's a way of looking at life through the wrong
end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and
that enables you to laugh as life's realities."
-- Dr. Suess"Great spirits have always encountered
violent opposition from mediocre minds."
--Einstein, AlbertThe great acts of love are done...
By those who are habitually performing
Small acts of kindness.
--Anonymous__________________________________________________________
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__________________________________________________________________The Jewelry...
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait
painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with
diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby
bracelet, and a Rolex watch."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!"
the artist said.
"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before
my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away,
and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for
the jewelry!"
__________________________________________________Heated Argument ...
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended
up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his
shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused,
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three
days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
__________________________________________________Embarrasing Situation
I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill
behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr.
Allen, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr.
Allen walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, wiping his
hands, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to
embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving
you a tip."
_________________________________________________
Pulling Rank
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red
faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the
lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "Yours is."
__________________________________________________
Opposite of Woe ...
Aspiring Irish psychiatrists were attending their first class on
emotional extremes at Trinity.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the
student from Dollymount, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
Rathmines.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Tallaght, "How about
the opposite of woe?"
The man replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."
Trick or Treat ....
Halloween night, the man's doorbell rings and he answers it with
the bowl of candy. Here stands a plain, but well-dressed kid
saying, "Trick or treat!"
The man askes the kid what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an I.R.S. agent."
Then the kid takes 28% of the man's candy and leaves, and doesn't
say "Thank you."__________________________________________________
The End*******************************************************************
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