JoannasJokes
for Wednesday, 3, 2007
Van Gogh's Relatives
His obnoxious brother ........................ Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ................. Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store .... Stop'n'Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ................ U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white ..... Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ....................... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ..................... Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ........................... Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother ... Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ............. Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle ......................... Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ...................... Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle ........................... Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst ....................... E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ........................ Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ....... Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ....................... Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ....................... Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ....... Winnie Bay Gogh
You Might Be A Redneck If.....
You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen,start your engines!"
You have the word NASCAR in your wedding vows....
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program....
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup
series....
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir was a direct result of a crash in turn three....
You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights....
You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary....
You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are....
You think the most effective form of advertising is on the side of a car going 200 mph.....round and round and round....
The word "Bank" makes you think of turn three at
Daytona....
Your wife's nickname is "Lugnut"....
You've spent more time on the top of a Winnebago than in one....
You know the "Back way" to Talledega....
You can change a tire faster than you can change a
diaper....
You make engine noises while watching racing on TV....
You think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach,
Florida....
You've ever written Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot....
You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures....The Ghost Car
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car startedslowly . The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time
before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped
everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing."Divert Your Course! (Classic)
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS
#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."
#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"
#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"
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Smart CEO? - NOT
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."Mirror, Mirror on the Wall ...
A woman tells the doctor: "I looked in the mirror and my
hair was all frazzled,my skin was wrinkled, my eyes were
bloodshot and my face looked corpse-like.
What's wrong?"
The doctor looks at her for a minute, then says: "Well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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